Amazon.com Widgets
James Frey Official Website
Join the JAMES FREY mailing list
Click

Letters To Santa

If Santa answered his mail honestly…

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend ,

BiLLy

Dear Billy ,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

I have been a good girl all year , and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love ,

Sarah

Dear Sarah ,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you , didn’t they?

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

I don’t know if you can do this , but for Christmas , I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.. Please see what you can do?

Love

Teddy

Dear Teddy ,

Look , your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom , who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

I want a new bike , a Playstation , a train , some G.I. Joes , a dog , a drum kit , a pony and a tuba.

Love ,

Francis

Dear Francis ,

Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay , I’ll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree , and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love ,

Susan

Dear Susan ,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend ,

Thomas

Dear Thomas ,

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas , where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey , you wanted to know.

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping , do you really know when we’re awake , like in the song?

Love ,

Jessica

Dear Jessica ,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.

Santa

———-

Dear Santa ,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy ,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks , but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

———-

Dearest Santa ,

We don’t have a chimney in our house , how do you get into our home?

Love ,

Marky

Mark ,

First , stop calling yourself “Marky” , that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second , you don’t live in a house , you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third , I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams ,

Santa

 

Posted on December 24, 2008 by MJS

Filed under Mirth | | No Comments »