If Santa answered his mail honestly…
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend ,
BiLLy
Dear Billy ,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
I have been a good girl all year , and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love ,
Sarah
Dear Sarah ,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you , didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
I don’t know if you can do this , but for Christmas , I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.. Please see what you can do?
Love
Teddy
Dear Teddy ,
Look , your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom , who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
I want a new bike , a Playstation , a train , some G.I. Joes , a dog , a drum kit , a pony and a tuba.
Love ,
Francis
Dear Francis ,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay , I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree , and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love ,
Susan
Dear Susan ,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend ,
Thomas
Dear Thomas ,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas , where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey , you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping , do you really know when we’re awake , like in the song?
Love ,
Jessica
Dear Jessica ,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa ,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy ,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks , but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa ,
We don’t have a chimney in our house , how do you get into our home?
Love ,
Marky
Mark ,
First , stop calling yourself “Marky” , that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second , you don’t live in a house , you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third , I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams ,
Santa