Much like Japanese Knotweed, the invasive garden plant that spreads quickly and is an absolute bastard to get rid of, tech-house has taken over underground dance music with a death-like grip and is refusing to let go.

From the grime producers frantically re-editing classic tracks to fit the tech-house template to the chart-topping electronic songstresses using the sound on their comeback singles, it’s clear the infection has spread far and wide.

And it’s not only niche snobs who are getting pissed off, but respectable, BBC-approved tastemakers, too. The other day, Annie Mac tweeted: “Aahhh jeez, everyone’s making droney house.” By that, we’re assuming she means the drab, uber formulaic four-to-the-floor built from over-polished percussion, mind-numbingly simple chord progressions and sappy basslines. It’s paint-by-numbers dance music and it’s coming for you.

Clubs in London are currently flooded with these monochrome beats but it’s not just the UK capital that’s in trouble. From Miami to Berlin to Sao Paulo to Ibiza, tech-house has swept through like a dense iron curtain that blocks sunlight and crushes all living sonic cultures in its path.

Imagine a bland new world over which tech-house rules. Dancefloors are awash with soulless, globular tunes that, pitched at 123bpm, turn formerly hype party kids into vacant rave zombies; high street shops stock nothing but cheap aviator shades and V-neck T-shirts; shuffling becomes a recognised sport, replacing football on school curriculums; tribes of suburban lads overturn the local authority and police the streets, enforcing their own brand of steroid-ridden martial law; ketamine consumption quadruples and hospitals struggle to cope with the increase in burst bladders. Things get very, very bleak.

[ click to continue reading rant at mixmag.net ]