from THINKGEEK.com

Chocolate Zombie Bunny

• Chocolate Zombie Bunny will destroy you all
• The virus has turned his flesh to delicious white chocolate
• Save the world; bite his head off!

[ click to purchase at THINKGEEK.com ]

from SF Weekly

This Is Why Your Used Bookstore Clerk Hates You

By Michael Leaverton

​Although bookstore workers love their customers, or are at least morally obligated to, sometimes the love is so great it turns murderous. Ever tried to finish all-you-can-eat coconut shrimp? That’s the love we’re dealing with here. Although your narrator worked at a used bookstore just outside of the city more than a decade ago, he shut his eyes tight, remembered three years of Fat Slice Pizza, and relived some moments of quiet desperation.

You Stole All Our Bukowski
It’s hard to keep Bukowski on the shelf when he keeps getting stuffed in the pants of street punks when no one is looking (but we are looking!). Although punks love him (he’s so easy to read) so does the staff (Hank worked a menial job for years, drank an eternity, and stillended up famous). He provides hope for apprentice alcoholics who are going to start writing sometime tomorrow or Thursday for sure. If you do steal him, please sell him back to us when you’re finished.

You’re Spending Too Much Time in the Erotica Section
Huh, and you’re totally and creepily not moving.

You Camp Out in the Self-Help Section
What is it about the self-help section that attracts people who take off their shoes and eat fruit salad right in the stacks? Or what is it that doesn’t attract them, amirite? Though we don’t mind you blocking the aisle, making your little piles of books and scribbling action items in your notepads (this means we can avoid the section), at least tidy up when you’re finished for the night. This goes for everyone in the spiritualism section, too. See you all tomorrow.

You’re Asleep
You know that’s weird, right? Barnes & Noble may have the square footage to stock recliners, but used bookstores don’t. Used bookstores use their space to sell books. Ever notice how much empty air a superbookstore contains that could be going to books? Of course you don’t, because you’re asleep on our footstool.

You Were Our Favorite English Professor
Oh look, it’s the bastard who inspired us to skip a useful degree for one in contemporary American fiction, here to again dash through the store with a comely grad student in tow and witness, once again, how well we are doing with our crack alphabetization. Looking for Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex? Try the Ds. College!

[ click to continue reading at SFWeekly.com ]

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Tila Tequila from Between Two Ferns

from The News Tribune

Richland School Board to hear appeal on book

BY JACQUES VON LUNEN, HERALD STAFF WRITER Published: 02/02/11

RICHLAND — A good novel can teach a lot about life. But how much profanity or other objectionable content should be in novels used in school?

That’s the question the Richland School Board will be asked to consider tonight when a West Richland parent asks to have Snow Falling on Cedars by Washington writer David Guterson removed from the list of books that could be used in an Advanced Placement English language and composition class at Hanford High School.

The committee seemed to be in agreement on its first book from the long list Tuesday. A Million Little Pieces by James Frey got little support from those who seemed to be the least willing to ban a book from school.

[ click to read full article at The New Tribune ]

from The New York Times

Define Gender Gap? Look Up Wikipedia’s Contributor List

By NOAM COHEN

In 10 short years, Wikipedia has accomplished some remarkable goals. More than 3.5 million articles in English? Done. More than 250 languages? Sure.

But another number has proved to be an intractable obstacle for the online encyclopedia: surveys suggest that less than 15 percent of its hundreds of thousands of contributors are women.

About a year ago, the Wikimedia Foundation, the organization that runs Wikipedia, collaborated on a study of Wikipedia’s contributor base and discovered that it was barely 13 percent women; the average age of a contributor was in the mid-20s, according to the study by a joint center of the United Nations University and Maastricht University.

Sue Gardner, the executive director of the foundation, has set a goal to raise the share of female contributors to 25 percent by 2015, but she is running up against the traditions of the computer world and an obsessive fact-loving realm that is dominated by men and, some say, uncomfortable for women.

[ click to continue reading at NYTimes.com ]

by Caleb Emmons at Pacific University

About the Journal

The founding principle of the Journal of Universal Rejection (JofUR) is rejection. Universal rejection. That is to say, all submissions, regardless of quality, will be rejected. Despite that apparent drawback, here are a number of reasons you may choose to submit to the JofUR:

• You can send your manuscript here without suffering waves of anxiety regarding the eventual fate of your submission. You know with 100% certainty that it will not be accepted for publication.
• There are no page-fees.
• You may claim to have submitted to the most prestigious journal (judged by acceptance rate).
• The JofUR is one-of-a-kind. Merely submitting work to it may be considered a badge of honor.
• You retain complete rights to your work, and are free to resubmit to other journals even before our review process is complete.
• Decisions are often (though not always) rendered within hours of submission.

Instructions for Authors

The JofUR solicits any and all types of manuscript: poetry, prose, visual art, and research articles. You name it, we take it, and reject it. Your manuscript may be formatted however you wish. Frankly, we don’t care.

After submitting your work, the decision process varies. Often the Editor-in-Chief will reject your work out-of-hand, without even reading it! However, he might read it. Probably he’ll skim. At other times your manuscript may be sent to anonymous referees. Unless they are the Editor-in-Chief’s wife or graduate school buddies, it is unlikely that the referees will even understand what is going on. Rejection will follow as swiftly as a bird dropping from a great height after being struck by a stone. At other times, rejection may languish like your email buried in the Editor-in-Chief’s inbox. But it will come, swift or slow, as surely as death. Rejection.

Submissions should be emailed to J.Universal.Rejection@gmail.com. Small files only, please. Why not just send the first couple pages if it is long?

Archives

March 2009 (Vol 1, No 1) contents:

(empty)

June 2009 (Vol 1, No 2) contents:

(empty)

September 2009 (Vol 1, No 3) contents:

(empty)

December 2009 (Vol 1, No 4) contents:

(empty - because we were on holiday)

March 2010 (Vol 2, No 1) contents:

(empty)

[ click to visit the Journal of Universal Rejection website ]

from the New York Press

Keith Richards Kills Orchid (and His Dream of Becoming Librarian)

Posted By: Deb Sperling

It seems that, even though the rest of us aren’t allowed to so much as close our eyes at the New York Public Library, Keith Richards can do whatever he wants.

Shortly before giving a talk at the Cullman Center, the Rolling Stone lit up a cigarette in Deputy Director Marie d’Origny’s office. He then stubbed it out on a clay saucer he grabbed from underneath her precious orchid. Just to make sure the famously hard-to-care-for flower was really dead, he had someone open the office window to let in a breeze.

[ click to continue reading at NYPress.com ]

from J to the E to the S

with thanks to T. Oliphant

courtesy of Tucker C

from AP via Google News

Flashy book dealer in limo for Shakespeare trial

(AP)

LONDON — A flashy British book dealer accused of stealing a rare first edition of Shakespeare’s plays appeared for trial Wednesday in a silver limousine, sporting a Panama hat and flashing victory signs at reporters.

Raymond Scott was accused of stealing the 1623 folio from England’s Durham University in 1998. The 53-year-old was arrested after a man took the volume to the Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, claiming he found it in Cuba and asking for verification that it was genuine.

Scholars consider the folio one of the most important printed works in the English language.

He arrived Wednesday at northeastern England’s Newcastle Crown Court in a silver Chrysler 300. For an earlier court appearance, he wore a kilt and came in a horse-drawn carriage led by a Scots piper.

[ click to read full article at Google News ]

“I like to wear bright socks and I, uh, I’m a Cleveland Browns fan.” (03:12)

from That Guitar Man In Central Park

courtesy of E-MAILS FROM AN ASSHOLE

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:

Looks like a normal spoon, right?

Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5″ half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:

At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.

Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.

This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

[ click to continue reading at E-mails From An Asshole ]

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

from The New Yorker

[ click for more Cartoons at The New Yorker ]

from Saturday Night Live

[ click to view at Hulu.com ]

from Movieline.com

Overheard at Sundance: 1/21

WRITTEN BY KYLE BUCHANAN | 22 JAN 2010, 10:30 AM

Many of the things that Sundance has to offer have been well-detailed: the movies, the swag, and the stars. Less celebrated — yet no less interesting — are the overheard quotes. Each day of the Sundance Film Festival, Movieline will bring you some of the best snippets we couldn’t help but hear. They’re ridiculous, sure — but they’re Sundance. Enjoy the first batch!

8:30 pm, on a bus leaving the Eccles

Girl: “How are you guys still friends? Don’t you hate James Frey?”

Boy: “I hate the book. I don’t hate him. I might go to UFC with him next month!”

[ click to continue reading at Movieline.com]

Very Short Story

 

Man driving down road.

 

Woman driving up same road.

 

They pass each other.

 

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

 

Man yells out window, BITCH!

 

Man rounds next curve.

 

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

 

Thought For the Day:

 

 

If men would just listen

from Cracked.com

The 7 Most Baffling Moments in the Star Wars Holiday Special

by seanbaby

The Star Wars Holiday Special was broadcast on TV in 1978 as a fine-print stipulation to the fiddle contest that George Lucas lost to the devil. It was terrible in every possible direction. If Hitler forced aliens to put on a variety show at gunpoint, you’d feel more comfortable watching it. To this day, parts of George Lucas sizzle and fall off if you mention it near him. Famous little person Warwick Davis actually started as a section of George Lucas that screamed and detached itself when the special first aired. And since that day, it has never been shown or legally distributed.

I’d like to take a look back at the different segments that came together to make this one of history’s worst anythings ever. There are two things to look out for in each one. The first is Actor Indifference. Nearly all of principle actors from the film are here, and none of them are good enough at their job to hide how much they hate that fact. Harrison Ford in particular will read the lines but you can kiss his ass if you think he’s going to try. If Kanye West’s agent booked him on Hee Haw, he’d perform with more enthusiasm.

[ click to continue reading at Cracked.com ]

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..

And that’s when the fight started.