{"id":1242,"date":"2008-12-24T22:25:17","date_gmt":"2008-12-25T05:25:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/2008\/12\/letters-to-santa\/"},"modified":"2011-01-30T12:25:52","modified_gmt":"2011-01-30T19:25:52","slug":"letters-to-santa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/2008\/12\/24\/letters-to-santa\/","title":{"rendered":"Letters To Santa"},"content":{"rendered":"

If<\/strong> <\/strong><\/span>Santa answered his mail honestly…<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all\u00a0yeer yer Frend ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

BiLLy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Billy ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.\u00a0How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write?\u00a0I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have been a good girl all year , and the only thing I ask\u00a0for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sarah<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Sarah ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your parents smoked pot when they had you , didn’t they?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don’t know if you can do this , but for Christmas , I’d\u00a0like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.. Please see what you\u00a0can do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love<\/strong><\/p>\n

Teddy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Teddy ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Look , your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door\u00a0in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to\u00a0your frigid mom , who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that\u00a0dream.\u00a0Let me get you some nice Legos instead.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I want a new bike , a Playstation , a train , some G.I. Joes ,\u00a0a dog , a drum kit , a pony and a tuba.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Francis<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Francis ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay ,\u00a0I’ll set you up with a Barbie.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree , and I left\u00a0carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Susan<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Susan ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my\u00a0face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a\u00a0bottle of scotch.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy\u00a0making toys?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your friend ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thomas<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Thomas ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas ,\u00a0where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by\u00a0drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses\u00a0while losing money at the craps table.\u00a0Hey , you wanted to know.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you see us when we’re sleeping , do you really know when\u00a0we’re awake , like in the song?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jessica<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Jessica ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.\u00a0I’m skipping your house.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please\u00a0PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Timmy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Timmy ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks , but that\u00a0crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

———-<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dearest Santa ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

We don’t have a chimney in our house , how do you get into our home?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Marky<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mark ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

First , stop calling yourself “Marky” , that’s why you’re getting\u00a0your ass whipped at school. Second , you don’t live in a house , you\u00a0live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third , I get inside your pad just\u00a0like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sweet Dreams ,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Santa<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If Santa answered his mail honestly… Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all\u00a0yeer yer Frend , BiLLy Dear Billy , Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.\u00a0How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1242","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mirth"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1242","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/26"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1242"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1242\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bigjimindustries.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}