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from The New Yorker

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from Saturday Night Live

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from Movieline.com

Overheard at Sundance: 1/21

WRITTEN BY KYLE BUCHANAN | 22 JAN 2010, 10:30 AM

Many of the things that Sundance has to offer have been well-detailed: the movies, the swag, and the stars. Less celebrated — yet no less interesting — are the overheard quotes. Each day of the Sundance Film Festival, Movieline will bring you some of the best snippets we couldn’t help but hear. They’re ridiculous, sure — but they’re Sundance. Enjoy the first batch!

8:30 pm, on a bus leaving the Eccles

Girl: “How are you guys still friends? Don’t you hate James Frey?”

Boy: “I hate the book. I don’t hate him. I might go to UFC with him next month!”

[ click to continue reading at Movieline.com]

Very Short Story

 

Man driving down road.

 

Woman driving up same road.

 

They pass each other.

 

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

 

Man yells out window, BITCH!

 

Man rounds next curve.

 

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

 

Thought For the Day:

 

 

If men would just listen

from Cracked.com

The 7 Most Baffling Moments in the Star Wars Holiday Special

by seanbaby

The Star Wars Holiday Special was broadcast on TV in 1978 as a fine-print stipulation to the fiddle contest that George Lucas lost to the devil. It was terrible in every possible direction. If Hitler forced aliens to put on a variety show at gunpoint, you’d feel more comfortable watching it. To this day, parts of George Lucas sizzle and fall off if you mention it near him. Famous little person Warwick Davis actually started as a section of George Lucas that screamed and detached itself when the special first aired. And since that day, it has never been shown or legally distributed.

I’d like to take a look back at the different segments that came together to make this one of history’s worst anythings ever. There are two things to look out for in each one. The first is Actor Indifference. Nearly all of principle actors from the film are here, and none of them are good enough at their job to hide how much they hate that fact. Harrison Ford in particular will read the lines but you can kiss his ass if you think he’s going to try. If Kanye West’s agent booked him on Hee Haw, he’d perform with more enthusiasm.

[ click to continue reading at Cracked.com ]

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..

And that’s when the fight started.

from The Hollywood Reporter

Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You’re going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn’t leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Greek Mother: You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?
Daughter: He’s not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you’re worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

from Peter H.

from The Independent Ireland

Farmer’s daughter disarms terrorist and shoots him dead with AK47

An Indian farmer’s daughter disarmed a terrorist leader who broke into her home, attacked him with an axe and shot him dead with his own gun.

Kausar, 21, was with her parents and brother in Jammu and Kashmir when three gunmen, believed to be Pakistani militants, forced their way in and demanded food and beds for the night.

Their house in Shahdra Sharief, Rajouri district, is about 20 miles from the ceasefire line between Indian and Pakistani forces.

It is close to dense forests known as hiding places for fighters from the Lashkar-e-Taiba group, which carried out the Mumbai terrorist attack last November.

Militants often demand food and lodging in nearby villages.

When they forced their way into Miss Kausar’s home, her father Noor Mohammad refused their demands and was attacked.

His daughter was hiding under a bed when she heard him crying as the gunmen thrashed him with sticks. According to police, she ran towards her father’s attacker and struck him with an axe. As he collapsed, she snatched his AK47 and shot him dead.

She also shot and wounded another militant as he made his escape.

[ click to continue reading at The Independent IE ]

from The Onion

My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over

BY LEVAR BURTON

Thank god.

After 26 long years, I can finally rest easy. Twenty-six years I spent standing in front of a camera, gritting my teeth, and shilling the latest works of every hack children’s book author imaginable. For 26 years, I’ve told kids they could open a magical door to another world just by reading a book, when the only door it ever opened for me led to a soul-sucking career in the horrifying abyss of public television.

But now, at last, it is over. I don’t have to lie anymore. I don’t have to live that nightmare.

When the news came that Reading Rainbow would be canceled due to a lack of funding, I felt—well, to use a cliché like you’d find in one of the hundreds of books I pimped endlessly—like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Every day I went to work hoping that maybe the studio had burned down, that maybe the program had been cut, that maybe PBS would finally stop squeezing the life from me drop by drop. Now that it’s over, I feel the relief a bruised and broken soldier must feel when he is rescued after rotting away for decades in some dank, forgotten POW camp.

May that godforsaken show burn in hell.

[ click to continue reading at The Onion ]